Thursday, May 10, 2012

And Then The World Didn't End

In the past, I always just tried to power through all of the bad stuff. I felt alone, and I also felt that I was just weak. I thought that my “issues” couldn’t be all that bad and if I weren’t such a loser, I could just forget about the past, take control of my life, and everything would just be okay.

But there was something deeper, darker, that frightened me even more than just being weak. I was afraid of showing my weakness, of admitting that I couldn’t handle this crap all alone any more. I was afraid to admit that it was too much, that is WAS that bad, and that I was going to lose control of it. What if I asked for help and it just exploded out all over everything and nobody wanted me around anymore because I was broken and horrible and pathetic? What if they found out what a loser I really am?

But you know what? The people around me - the people I CHOSE to be here with me - they are better than that, and I should have given them more credit for it. Here’s another journal entry from my early days of therapy, Journal #3.

I think that, at this point, I'm just feeling a huge sense of relief. I finally admitted that I need help and the world didn't end after all. I let B. see how messed up I really am and he didn't reject me. Maybe I can deal with the rest from here.

I know the bad feelings will return soon enough, but for now I'm feeling okay, if a little tender. I still don't really want to be around too many people or talk too much, but I can laugh.

(from The Desiderata, by Max Ehrmann)
You are a child of the universe
No less than the trees and the stars.
You deserve to be here.

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