Thought of the Day: 12/11/2014

On Facebook I've been posting little "Thought of the Day" posts. I just find these things that speak to me in the morning and go back to it a number of times during the day to remember something good.

Thought of the Day: 12/10/2014

On Facebook I've been posting little "Thought of the Day" posts. I've done several days worth now, and I thought I'd also start them here on the blog as a way to post more frequently. I just find these things that speak to me in the morning and go back to it a number of times during the day to remember something good.

"You’ve been busy trying to satisfy everyone else’s expectations. Way too many people are living a life that’s not theirs to live. They live their lives according to what others think is best for them… they live their lives according to what their parents think is best for them… to what their friends, their enemies, their teachers, their government and the media think is best for them. They ignore their inner voice and intuition. They are so busy pleasing everyone else, with living up to other people’s expectations, that they lose control over their lives. They forget what makes them happy, what they want, what they need… and eventually they forget about themselves altogether. You have one life – this one right now. You must live it, own it, and above all, NOT let other people’s opinions distract you from your truth."

Source: Marc and Angel Hack Life

Thought of The Day: Catching Up

On Facebook I've been posting little "Thought of the Day" posts. I've done several days worth now, and I thought I'd also start them here on the blog as a way to post more frequently. The past couple of days have been images for some reason. I just find these things that speak to me in the morning and go back to it a number of times during the day to remember something good.

Yesterday, 12/8/2014.

And today's, 12/9/2014.

Keep Calm and Sew on

I had a thought while sewing yesterday. A few thoughts.

I think I'm drawn to sewing (and crafting in general) because there are neat, straight lines. It's quite tidy when things are done correctly. The neat perfection seems to give me a feeling of order...and safety.

Perfection = Order = Safety

Interesting.

Follow up thoughts: My sewing is rarely neat and never perfect (except for those button holes on the Thanksgiving baby dress, squeeeee!); therefore, I also get to learn that imperfect things are still beautiful and valuable.

Boom!

Things That Make Me Inordinately Happy in Comparison to Effort Expended, In No Particular Order (2014)

I did this kind of list once before, in time for New Year 2013. This isn't a New Year's Day list, and I don't make resolutions, exactly, but I want to bring more focus on joy and fulfillment toward the end of this year. Therefore, in no particular order, here is a list of things that make me ridiculously happy.

•  When my little kitteh, D, snuggles up on my shoulder and snurrs (snoring/purring)





• Also when she finds stinky shoes or workout clothes and wallows in them in complete unfettered joy


• When a song comes on that I once loved but haven't heard in a decade or two


• Checking things off a list; I am so bad that I will add stuff I've already done to a list just so that I can mark them off


• Getting a zit to pop, even though I know I'm not supposed to do that


• When the kittehs sleep on their backs and leave those fuzzy tummies exposed


• Colorful veggies all washed and chopped and ready for snacking





• Getting cold enough to actually enjoy wearing a sweater


• Hearing my beloved's voice from another room


• Bad puns


• Making B laugh

I'm certain there's more, but you get the idea. For a change I want to look for good things instead of only looking for the bad things, because if that's all you look for, that's all you will ever see.

Backwards

I'm having conflict again. Confidence, self esteem, diet thoughts. I keep getting close to the place where I can take care of myself - eat right, get some exercise, control the blood sugar, get off the meds, whatever. But something always seems to throw me at the last moment, upsets my balance. Perhaps I'm throwing things in my own way as a delaying tactic, at least some of the time, though this time I think it was purely accidental.

I did so good through DragonCon! My confidence was high, I went out and mingled with friends at meetups, did the Disney fairy photo shoot and some other costumes, wore my sundresses and short skirts without shame, I even talked to strangers and told a bully to fuck off late one drunk night. I even came out of it with a couple of photos of me that I really love. I felt good. I felt pretty. I got con crud, but I was even ready to wait that out and get started on taking care of blood sugar as soon as I felt well again.

So one night I was looking around, Googling for costume ideas and accidentally wound up on a pretty hateful fat shaming site. I read around at some posts and comments in growing horror. I quit the internet for the night, watched the Hobbit and tried to think about happy things, spent the next morning looking at pictures of adorable animals, just in case. I have pushed it into an appropriate pit and locked the door behind me. But....

The evil, lying voice woke up. The thing inside that hates me and tortures that little girl in there. It's trying to make me feel ashamed and disgusted with myself again. It makes me want to try the dieting hamster wheel again.

I joined a Facebook group for people who are trying to lose weight for DragonCon and for costuming. Mostly I'm lurking, waiting to see if it's going to be too triggery for me. Right now, it probably is, until the liar goes back to sleep. There's a lot of talk about pounds lost and "being good" which of course implies that there's a "being bad" too. Someone posted a music video called "I'm Sorry I Gained Weight." I didn't watch it.

Now I keep coming back to the thoughts of looking gross. Spilling food. Being clean enough. Wondering if I smell bad. Being ashamed of burps and farts and acne. I'm a little afraid of getting hungry. It doesn't help that I'm still sick and coughing and snotting, so I can't breathe and I get exhausted after doing the simplest things. Like. A. Fatass.

I need comfort but I'm sick, and I feel like I'm a needy burden on top of everything else. I have spent two days trying to convince myself that B isn't mad at me for some unknown thing. But he still touches me, he kissed my neck when he came up behind me this morning, he has held me and told me that he loves me. It's okay. It's just the lying voice again.

It tells me that if I eat - and eat and eat and eat - that it will go away and I won't have to hear it lying anymore, but that's a lie too. If I eat and get sick and hurt it will just shout louder about what a pathetic loser I am, wielding the proof that I am an out of control fatty. I could hurt myself and then just listen to it laugh and laugh, just like those people on that disgusting website. Think about the curve of my belly, taut and hard and full of pain. Bulging under my too big t-shirts, the ones I think hide my body, the ones littered with old stains of old binges. Sloppy and sickening.

Fuck that.

I have no room for that kind of pain any longer. I think - no, IT thinks that I deserve this pain, but I DO NOT.

What did I say about that bully at DragonCon? "If you want to make me cry you're going to have to do better than that." Fuck you evil, lying voice, 'cause you just aren't good enough to get me anymore.

Back to the beginning - where did I start? "I am good enough, I am smart enough, and GODDAMMIT, PEOPLE LIKE ME!"

Bring it.

NEDA Walk Orlando 2014 - My Binge Eating Disorder Speech

This morning we had the Nat'l Eating Disorder walk for awareness at Lake Eola in Orlando Florida. We almost got rained out, but it passed quickly and turned out to be a beautiful morning.

We had a lovely singer and then I got to do my little speech, about 9 minutes or so, about Binge Eating Disorder. If the video will post - I'm about to find out - here it is!

I didn't get nervous until it was time to walk out on the stage, and I spend the first 7 minutes or so shifting from side to side. Feel free to scream "Be still!" at the video-me as often as you like. Afterward I pretty much just hugged the first person that I saw so that I wouldn't start crying.

Okay, here's the YouTube link. It's too big to load to Blogger... NEDA Walk Orlando 2014 Speech

Coping Mechanism

It's nice sometimes to remember that bingeing wasn't my ONLY coping mechanism. For instance, when I was upset enough that I couldn't hide it I would go and take a very long, very hot shower and bawl like a baby. No one could hear me, the heat hid the puffiness and red eyes, and the hot water was very soothing. It still is. I don't necessarily need to go hide in order to cry anymore, but when I'm having a sad day, sometimes a good hot shower is just the thing.

One of my sisters sometimes gets frustrated with me because I never call to "talk it out" when I'm upset. It's hard to explain, but that's not how I'm used to handling things. Sometimes I don't want to talk about IT because it will just make me cry (and I still hate to cry in front of other people) and sometimes there is no IT to talk about. Sometimes No Thing is wrong, or maybe it's just that No Thing is right.

There's a web comic that describes depression quite brilliantly. I imagine almost everyone has seen it, it went around Facebook for a while (which might tell us something about why we're on Facebook to begin with). Here's a bit of it that might explain....

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html

I can have a conversation with you and try to talk about Stuff or No Thing or, sweet jeebus - FEELY Things. But when No Thing is Wrong or No Thing is Right, I can't always tell if I'm doing IT right: talking, smiling, relating, laughing, gesturing. So I get more worried about whatever IT is than about the actual conversation and eventually I just fake being okay so that I can stop being uncomfortable.

Does that make any sense?

Catching Up To Do

It's been too long since I posted last. I have definitely had a busy end of the year, trying new hobbies and dealing with becoming truly diabetic. All things considered, I'm doing pretty well. I have definitely had some ups and downs and a couple of really bad moments, but no binges as of yet - some close calls, the *desire* to binge maybe, and some overeating.

I took up sewing early in the year and have made quite a few skirts for myself (which is new, as I never liked wearing skirts or dresses before). I also made a few costumes for DragonCon 2013 and actually wore them out on the floor (I usually chicken out). Later in the year I went to a painting class for a NEDA (Nat'l Eating Disorder Association) fundraiser and that turned out to be slightly life-altering. I really took to it and have been going back to the class quite a lot and even started painting at home on my own. I'm no great artist, but so far my work isn't too bad.

Here are a few pics of some of my recent sewing:

I didn't actually make the black & white one, I just shortened it. It had an extra layer at the bottom and I'm just too darn short for that! I wore this one to the wedding of some dear friends of ours.

And here's my little art gallery:

I'm also working on a diary project right now, which I will start posting here in a few days. I'm trying to deal with diabetes with "lifestyle changes" and right now that essentially equates to a "diet" for me. I know I shouldn't think of it as such, but it sure feels like a diet. So I'm journaling the experience as a way to survive it and possibly as a way to show people what dieting is really like when you have an eating disorder.