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Thursday, December 11, 2014

Thought of the Day: 12/11/2014

On Facebook I've been posting little "Thought of the Day" posts. I just find these things that speak to me in the morning and go back to it a number of times during the day to remember something good.



Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Thought of the Day: 12/10/2014

On Facebook I've been posting little "Thought of the Day" posts. I've done several days worth now, and I thought I'd also start them here on the blog as a way to post more frequently. I just find these things that speak to me in the morning and go back to it a number of times during the day to remember something good.

"You’ve been busy trying to satisfy everyone else’s expectations. Way too many people are living a life that’s not theirs to live. They live their lives according to what others think is best for them… they live their lives according to what their parents think is best for them… to what their friends, their enemies, their teachers, their government and the media think is best for them. They ignore their inner voice and intuition. They are so busy pleasing everyone else, with living up to other people’s expectations, that they lose control over their lives. They forget what makes them happy, what they want, what they need… and eventually they forget about themselves altogether. You have one life – this one right now. You must live it, own it, and above all, NOT let other people’s opinions distract you from your truth."

Source: Marc and Angel Hack Life

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Thought of The Day: Catching Up

On Facebook I've been posting little "Thought of the Day" posts. I've done several days worth now, and I thought I'd also start them here on the blog as a way to post more frequently. The past couple of days have been images for some reason. I just find these things that speak to me in the morning and go back to it a number of times during the day to remember something good.

Yesterday, 12/8/2014.

And today's, 12/9/2014.



Keep Calm and Sew on

I had a thought while sewing yesterday. A few thoughts.

I think I'm drawn to sewing (and crafting in general) because there are neat, straight lines. It's quite tidy when things are done correctly. The neat perfection seems to give me a feeling of order...and safety.

Perfection = Order = Safety

Interesting.

Follow up thoughts: My sewing is rarely neat and never perfect (except for those button holes on the Thanksgiving baby dress, squeeeee!); therefore, I also get to learn that imperfect things are still beautiful and valuable.

Boom!

Sunday, September 14, 2014

Things That Make Me Inordinately Happy in Comparison to Effort Expended, In No Particular Order (2014)

I did this kind of list once before, in time for New Year 2013. This isn't a New Year's Day list, and I don't make resolutions, exactly, but I want to bring more focus on joy and fulfillment toward the end of this year. Therefore, in no particular order, here is a list of things that make me ridiculously happy.

  •  When my little kitteh, D, snuggles up on my shoulder and snurrs (snoring/purring)


  • Also when she finds stinky shoes or workout clothes and wallows in them in complete unfettered joy

  • When a song comes on that I once loved but haven't heard in a decade or two

  • Checking things off a list; I am so bad that I will add stuff I've already done to a list just so that I can mark them off

  • Getting a zit to pop, even though I know I'm not supposed to do that

  • When the kittehs sleep on their backs and leave those fuzzy tummies exposed

  • Colorful veggies all washed and chopped and ready for snacking


  • Getting cold enough to actually enjoy wearing a sweater

  • Hearing my beloved's voice from another room

  • Bad puns

  • Making B laugh

I'm certain there's more, but you get the idea. For a change I want to look for good things instead of only looking for the bad things, because if that's all you look for, that's all you will ever see.

Sunday, September 7, 2014

Backwards

I'm having conflict again. Confidence, self esteem, diet thoughts. I keep getting close to the place where I can take care of myself - eat right, get some exercise, control the blood sugar, get off the meds, whatever. But something always seems to throw me at the last moment, upsets my balance. Perhaps I'm throwing things in my own way as a delaying tactic, at least some of the time, though this time I think it was purely accidental.

I did so good through DragonCon! My confidence was high, I went out and mingled with friends at meetups, did the Disney fairy photo shoot and some other costumes, wore my sundresses and short skirts without shame, I even talked to strangers and told a bully to fuck off late one drunk night. I even came out of it with a couple of photos of me that I really love. I felt good. I felt pretty. I got con crud, but I was even ready to wait that out and get started on taking care of blood sugar as soon as I felt well again.

So one night I was looking around, Googling for costume ideas and accidentally wound up on a pretty hateful fat shaming site. I read around at some posts and comments in growing horror. I quit the internet for the night, watched the Hobbit and tried to think about happy things, spent the next morning looking at pictures of adorable animals, just in case. I have pushed it into an appropriate pit and locked the door behind me. But....

The evil, lying voice woke up. The thing inside that hates me and tortures that little girl in there. It's trying to make me feel ashamed and disgusted with myself again. It makes me want to try the dieting hamster wheel again.

I joined a Facebook group for people who are trying to lose weight for DragonCon and for costuming. Mostly I'm lurking, waiting to see if it's going to be too triggery for me. Right now, it probably is, until the liar goes back to sleep. There's a lot of talk about pounds lost and "being good" which of course implies that there's a "being bad" too. Someone posted a music video called "I'm Sorry I Gained Weight." I didn't watch it.

Now I keep coming back to the thoughts of looking gross. Spilling food. Being clean enough. Wondering if I smell bad. Being ashamed of burps and farts and acne. I'm a little afraid of getting hungry. It doesn't help that I'm still sick and coughing and snotting, so I can't breathe and I get exhausted after doing the simplest things. Like. A. Fatass.

I need comfort but I'm sick, and I feel like I'm a needy burden on top of everything else. I have spent two days trying to convince myself that B isn't mad at me for some unknown thing. But he still touches me, he kissed my neck when he came up behind me this morning, he has held me and told me that he loves me. It's okay. It's just the lying voice again.

It tells me that if I eat - and eat and eat and eat - that it will go away and I won't have to hear it lying anymore, but that's a lie too. If I eat and get sick and hurt it will just shout louder about what a pathetic loser I am, wielding the proof that I am an out of control fatty. I could hurt myself and then just listen to it laugh and laugh, just like those people on that disgusting website. Think about the curve of my belly, taut and hard and full of pain. Bulging under my too big t-shirts, the ones I think hide my body, the ones littered with old stains of old binges. Sloppy and sickening.

Fuck that.

I have no room for that kind of pain any longer. I think - no, IT thinks that I deserve this pain, but I DO NOT.

What did I say about that bully at DragonCon? "If you want to make me cry you're going to have to do better than that." Fuck you evil, lying voice, 'cause you just aren't good enough to get me anymore.

Back to the beginning - where did I start? "I am good enough, I am smart enough, and GODDAMMIT, PEOPLE LIKE ME!"

Bring it.

Saturday, February 15, 2014

NEDA Walk Orlando 2014 - My Binge Eating Disorder Speech

This morning we had the Nat'l Eating Disorder walk for awareness at Lake Eola in Orlando Florida. We almost got rained out, but it passed quickly and turned out to be a beautiful morning.

We had a lovely singer and then I got to do my little speech, about 9 minutes or so, about Binge Eating Disorder. If the video will post - I'm about to find out - here it is!

I didn't get nervous until it was time to walk out on the stage, and I spend the first 7 minutes or so shifting from side to side. Feel free to scream "Be still!" at the video-me as often as you like. Afterward I pretty much just hugged the first person that I saw so that I wouldn't start crying.

Okay, here's the YouTube link. It's too big to load to Blogger... NEDA Walk Orlando 2014 Speech