I went to visit my mother and we talked, however briefly, about the pain of my childhood. She is also filled with regret and pain for the past, though that is not what I really wanted for her. I wanted her to be aware, I know that, but I didn’t want her to suffer as I have. I tried to tell her - and you know, I didn’t even realize that I believed it until I said it out loud - that the past is done and gone. That pain has no place in my life any longer, I have finally let my past fall away. Now I get to move on and work on my future and enjoy my present. The past and its monsters are no longer in control of my brain, my emotions. I no longer need to REACT to my past - I may simply ACT in the here and now to take care of myself.
Here’s what I wrote about this one year ago yesterday:
I had a lot to think about after yesterday’s (therapy) session and those affirmations I chose. Last night, while trying to sleep, I kept thinking about why I’m afraid of my feelings, why I think that I will always lose what I love.
But the truth is, that stuff is no longer of any use to me. And as a defense mechanism, it sucks. There is no one now who can hurt me, no one who will use my emotions against me, and no one who can take away the things - the people - that I love. As a child, I was trapped. I couldn’t get away from my mother’s husbands or from the bullies at school. Now, as an adult, I have the power to excise those kinds of people from my life. Like the Goblin King (from the movie Labyrinth), they have no power over me.
I don’t need pain or numbness to blunt my emotions any longer. I don’t need to hide my fears, my anger, my pain, or even my joy. I don’t need to hide in the shower to cry anymore. There is no one left to hurt me - I have left them all behind.
All I will allow in my life are people who love me. I deserve that.
I THOUGHT that I deserved this pain, but I don’t.
I deserve good things as much as anyone else.
I give myself permission to ENJOY.(6-4-2011)