Tuesday, June 5, 2012

They Have No Power Over Me

So, after a brief break, let’s get back to daily affirmations and the fear of losing the things that I care about. Below is a journal entry from last year, actually from exactly a year ago, minus one day. Funny that, because just this past weekend I was learning this lesson again, but better.

I went to visit my mother and we talked, however briefly, about the pain of my childhood. She is also filled with regret and pain for the past, though that is not what I really wanted for her. I wanted her to be aware, I know that, but I didn’t want her to suffer as I have. I tried to tell her - and you know, I didn’t even realize that I believed it until I said it out loud - that the past is done and gone. That pain has no place in my life any longer, I have finally let my past fall away. Now I get to move on and work on my future and enjoy my present. The past and its monsters are no longer in control of my brain, my emotions. I no longer need to REACT to my past - I may simply ACT in the here and now to take care of myself.

Here’s what I wrote about this one year ago yesterday:

I had a lot to think about after yesterday’s (therapy) session and those affirmations I chose. Last night, while trying to sleep, I kept thinking about why I’m afraid of my feelings, why I think that I will always lose what I love.

But the truth is, that stuff is no longer of any use to me. And as a defense mechanism, it sucks. There is no one now who can hurt me, no one who will use my emotions against me, and no one who can take away the things - the people - that I love. As a child, I was trapped. I couldn’t get away from my mother’s husbands or from the bullies at school. Now, as an adult, I have the power to excise those kinds of people from my life. Like the Goblin King (from the movie Labyrinth), they have no power over me.

I don’t need pain or numbness to blunt my emotions any longer. I don’t need to hide my fears, my anger, my pain, or even my joy. I don’t need to hide in the shower to cry anymore. There is no one left to hurt me - I have left them all behind.

All I will allow in my life are people who love me. I deserve that.


I THOUGHT that I deserved this pain, but I don’t. 
I deserve good things as much as anyone else. 
I give myself permission to ENJOY. 


  1. Lori - you are not shouting into the void. I think you are incredibly brave and on an incredible journey that as you know, you will travel your entire life. I hear you and I will continue to read you and hear you. I had no idea you were writing this blog or dealing with this. I would have been more than happy to read you and support you during this journey. I know we haven't seen each other seen high school but I also have had to travel this road - and continue the journey - and believe we have to stand in support of each other.

    Please continue to write. You write beautifully but more importantly, you are writing for YOU and dealing with your emotions. You really moved me and I will be a faithful reader and a supporter. If there is anything I can do for you, please let me know. Thanks for being such a brave voice.


  2. P.s. that was Jennifer Kehoe

  3. Thank you, Jenn! It's good to hear from you.